Progress & Holidays

I’ve been doing the elimination diet for 6 weeks (with two occasions when it just wasn’t possible to follow it, but otherwise I’ve been pretty religious).  In a nutshell, I have noticed a definite improvement in my energy levels, although the fatigue has not completely gone and I still need to sleep in the afternoons sometimes – less often than before though.  Another improvement is in my mood, though following on from my previous post, that feels like an odd thing to write – but in general, I am not manic, I am just a less irritable, cheerier version of myself. It’s been noticed by others but most importantly I have noticed it in myself. I like myself a little more than I did a few months ago when I when I was snappy and pessimistic about things. I’ll never know if it’s the diet which has improved things, or the vitamin D supplements, or the change in the weather, moving out of my dingy flat, or getting some distance between myself and a certain person… but whatever it is, it’s helped.

In addition… I’m about to book my holiday 😀 Still subject to approval, but it’s looking like a week on the unexplored east coast of Sri Lanka to visit a friend, followed by two weeks in Bali and Lombok… Roll on September!!!

Manic

My moods are all over the place. One minute I’m bouncing around, planning a trip to Sri Lanka and Indonesia, then two minutes later I’ve got that paperweight in my chest and just want to go to sleep.

I am heavily self-censoring because I no longer know who is reading this. I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter who’s reading it, that it’s my own space, but it does matter. I no longer feel I can say whatever I’m thinking. It’s a vicious circle – if I create a private space to express, to cry out, to rejoice, to be silly, to be me, I write knowing that somebody will read it. I need to know there is a connection with the world outside of my own head… But nobody will see it unless I tell them where to find it… and once I think that people may be reading it, I no longer feel I can be entirely true to myself in what I write.

I feel simultaneously elated by the good things in my life and devastated by others. I seem to love and trust far too easily, and this is always, ALWAYS punished. I did a very basic personality analysis today and it told me that ‘There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases,you may have trouble distinguishing helping from interfering.‘  This  is the story of my life. I am attracted to disaster, with a deep desire to mend, to fix, to nurture something or someone back to health, inevitably pushing my own well-being into second place in the process.I did it at 15, I’m still doing it at 34, and I seem to never learn. But similarly, ironically, conversely, I berate myself for it. When did caring cease to be a quality and become a flaw? Where do you draw the line?

Why do I never remember the wonderful things that I know people have said about me? I may remember that they said something lovely and kind, but I forget the most important part – the essential message in their encouragement and love. And yet… the hurtful words, even the ones I know not to be true, are the ones ringing in my ears when I try to sleep?

Moody

A gorgeous drive up from Dorset in the blazing sunshine with a new CD on repeat. A lovely Thai massage at the Crazy Bear… A wonderful start to the day. But one tiny thing has sent me spiralling back into melancholy. I wish there was a tablet to control that… How to manage this?? Where is the fucking manual?

Brownsea

Nothing has the power to soothe the soul quite like spending time by the sea. I never fail to be enchanted by this lovely place, my second home. Feeling calmer and happier, thanks to the magical healing powers of fresh sea air, sunshine, a walk in the woods and lovely friends.

Brownsea Castle

Brownsea Castle